Okay, So I Am On 2 Days in a Row

This is what happens when you get 3 days off from teaching and don't feel like correcting tests. Actually I just want to spark up the old writing chops again, so I hope one or more of my friends reads this.

And I didn't really know what to write until I just wrote that second sentence. There was one person who would always read this; whether or not he agreed with it, fully understood it, or even cared about whatever topic on which I was musing. He would always read it and often comment, and his comments were always kind if not always supportive (not that they should have been supportive, when we differed in opinions, I am glad he felt comfortable enought to voice his opinions).

If you haven't guessed, I am talking about Steve T.

It is approaching a year since his death, Feb 6, 2011, and I find myself thinking more about him as I write this. I am not going to sugar coat anything, nor am I going to pretend that I was always close with him - that would be disrespectful to him and to his memories. If you remember our interactions, Steve T. often got on my nerves. He was not an intellectual powerhouse, but that is not what bothered me (although his tendency to speak from authority on subjects that TrackMan (I can't remember the moniker I used to use for him, but he's the guy in our group that loves to take his car to the track and is not supergoober) believed in irritated me.

What bothered me most about him was based on one of the things that I find most praiseworthy about him; a thing that I cannot say about many other people (myself included) and something that is quite rare and remarkable in this world. The thing that bothered me most was his hero worship of TrackMan. I don't want to offend you TrackMan, and I don't think this will - but particularly at the time you tended towards the misogynistic, hump-em and dump-em lifestyle. I know this is a gross oversimplification, and I don't want to get into it here, but steve t. idolized you.

That infuriated me. Here's why.

Steve t. was a genuinely nice guy. If you know me, I don't say this about many people and I mean it as high praise. He was kind to everyone he encountered that I ever saw or heard about, and I can speak from personal experience that he never expressed anger at me despite the fact that on many occasions my frustration would boil over to a point where I would lash out and be insulting to him. He would always take it with good nature and aplomb. I would occasionally apologize, and he would always say that it was no big deal, that I didn't need to worry about it, and that he didn't take it too personally.

And for my sake, I hope that this is true, because I already feel a lot of guilt over this, and if I really did hurt him in any more than a superficial way, I would feel really terrible. I can make all kinds of excuses for my behavior - most of which are true, but none of those invalidate the fact that I hurt him on a number of occasions and he was someone who did not deserve to be hurt that way.

And this all goes to the reason I did not like his hero worship, though I did understand it. He would echo TrackMan's opinions like they were gospel and seemed to live vicariously through his sexual conquests. Steve t. did not need to idolize someone like that - he was a good man in his own right. It would have been just as bad if he had idolized me - a self-righteous, intellectual elitist who is very vulnerable and wounded at the core. I know why he would idolize someone like TrackMan - he embodied the self-confidence, the personal savvy, and the charm that most of us do not have. Steve found these qualities desirable, and who wouldn't so I don't blame him for that.

I just always wished that he could recognize how good a person he was in his own right, and that he did not need to live through anyone else. And rather than simply tell him that, I would lash out at him, and it is a sign of my own shortcomings and not his. I had been trying not to make those mistakes from my younger years again, and I clearly made them again with steve t., someone who never deserved it, and I am still trying not to make the same mistakes.

And I hope that somewhere steve t. can read this or notice these thoughts, and he can understand that I am really truly sorry if I ever caused him pain - he did not deserve it.

And while this may also seem somewhat of an indictment of TrackMan, it is not intended as that. I want all of you to know (not that any of you will read this anymore) that I value each of you for who you are, and that I do not want to see any of you come to any harm, from yourself or anyone else.

And by way of excuse, I suppose, that is what I wanted for steve t. as well - I just never had the courage or decency to come out and say it, but I will say it now.

If I get mad at you for something, it is because I care enough about you to not want you to get hurt, and I will do my damnedest to actually say that rather than just get mad at you. I will see you all tonight, and again, steve, wherever you are, you are in my prayers.

And I guess I should change the title, but I don't think I will, because that is where all this started.