A Bit of Honesty

So I changed my profile picture, yet again, and I think I like this one the best...

It's a Noppera-Bō from Japanese legend and it is a critter that can mimic the faces of others to fit in where it needs to, but really has no identity of its own, and at times I feel a bit like this, where I have to put on different faces to fit into situations, and I often wonder if even those core things to which I claim adherence or those things which I supposedly deem "fun" are really me at all.

Especially since there are times that these things give me no joy whatsoever, yet I keep doing them out of ... well, I don't really know why; maybe habit, maybe doctor's advice, but is it really me?

And if it's not, what is? Maybe I've read a bit too much philosophy, but what is one's self, anyway? And how can we truly come to define that? What is it that makes me, me... certainly I am no more special than the next guy or gal, nor do I expect to be, but is there anything to actually verify consciousness? I can't remember the philosopher who hypothesized that self-identity is a delusion, and that all we are is the sum total of our separate experiences and memories, which our brains categorize as snap-shots, and we erroneously identify as our "identity", but which are nothing more than the sum of the parts... I always refuted that on the grounds that obviously one had to have a consciousness and self-identity to postulate the lack of that identity's existence, but that is a weak argument at best, and more put forward to dull my true fear that this guy is right; in which case everything is pretty much pointless.

I guess that is why I keep clinging to the idea of Voltaire's: "If god didn't exist, it would be necessary for us to invent him." I think I know the full repercussions of complete non-belief, and this option is reprehensible. To get a quick clue into how reprehensible, imagine the old adage of "live each day like it was your last", a bastardization of carpe diem (which is misused often enough as it is). If you really have a belief that there is no god, no soul, no nothing; how would you live your last day? Remove all moral obstacles, there are no long term penalties for anything you do, you just have one day to soak up as much joy as you can out of living before you are gone forever. If one truly believed this, I am certain that the "last day" phenomenon would be horrific - certainly, it might start out as goodbyes, but if there were any secret desires that you harbored and you knew that there could be no consequences, that everything was actually meaningless, how much would you do? How far would you go? Could you even care for other people that you hurt - knowing they would live on in pain might not be sufficient deterrent since you would only feel guilt for that day - and if that was the case, why feel guilt at all? Or to prevent them from living with the pain you caused, give them the sweet release of death as well?

Pretty grim, and maybe I am just in a black-hearted mood today, but I think I will explore the ramifications of this "last day with no consequences" idea further. And I know that many atheists would respond with the "human dignity" type of argument, but if you were up against the end and there were no consequences, how far would the idea of human dignity take you?

So, long story short, I think that the Noppera-Bō image really captures what I feel right now - who am I, really?