It's Been Done Before

So, why not by me? Yep, I am going to endeavor to come up with AD&D character versions of the candidates and their veeps. Of course, you know what political side of the fence I am on, but I bear no great love for either candidate, but I will admit my bias and say that Obama probably gets the shorter end of the stick (I don't know this for a fact, yet; I only have a rough idea of what I am going to say).


But before that, does anyone else think that Barack Obama bears more than a passing resemblance to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Check out the photos below:




Now, I don't know about you, but I might be a little more inspired to vote an Obama ticket if he threw McCain on an announcer's table (maybe on the FOX News Channel), shouted, "DO YOU SMELL WHAT BARACK IS COOKIN'?!", and tore off one of his suit sleeves to do the people's elbow from the ring out onto the aforementioned announcer's table - nothing like slappin' the beat-down on a near crippled elderly man to make me wanna vote for ya!!






I am using the good old 1978 version of the Players Handbook (does it bug anyone else that there should be an apostrophe on that?) and I have included the full name of the characteristic for those of you not up on the abbreviations from the old days. I also included the Comeliness characteristic that was introduced in Unearthed Arcana, I think around 1985, the year that I helped thediscourser in rolling up Barbarians in the Campus Ministry office at our Catholic High School (I think the image of him picking up 9d6, jiggling them around, dropping them on the table, all whilst giggling "I love the new way of rolling up barbarians!" is permanently emblazoned in my memory). So without further ado, here is my feeble attempt at nerd humor, with a good dose of political bias (I guess it is a minor plus that I at least admit the bias):



Barack Obama, 4th Level Human Illusionist (18th Level)
Strength: 9
Intelligence: 11 (19)
Wisdom: 6
Dexterity: 16
Constitution: 0
Charisma: 6 (21)
Comeliness: 13

Hit Points: 12 (120)


Like many other magic-users, Barack has conjured himself a familiar through which he focuses much of his powers. The characteristics in parentheses are when his familiar is present. His familiar is an arcane creature that is shrouded in mystery and known only as "the teleprompter". When this familiar is incapacitated or removed from his presence, Barrack immediately falters, losing most of his intelligence, charisma, and illusionist abilities. He has taken great care to keep this familiar protected at all times to prevent his opponents from gaining any advantage. This is the ultimate price any magic-user must pay when trying a quick route to power.


In addition to all other illusionist spells, he can cast Change Self (Level 1), Hypnotic Pattern (Level 2), and Misdirection (Level 2) at will as long as his teleprompter is present. His favored tactic is to cast Mass Suggestion (Level 6) to convince crowds to turn against his foes, so that he can maintain the decorum of a candidate for change. He also will cast Emotion (Level 4) in attempts to persuade people to join an irrational position. Unbeknownst to him, "The Teleprompter" has cast a permanent Alter Reality (Level 7) spell on him so that he believes that he has already won the election.


He wears magical robes tailored by the finest craftsmen of the land, these enable all but the most cutting of attacks to slide right off of him, giving him an effective Armor Class of -2. This is increased to -10 if media persons are nearby, somehow his armor draws power from them. The only exception is if members of FOX News are nearby, who somehow drain the armor of its power, giving him an effective AC of 10, so even the least credible attack by FOX News somehow manages to influence their viewers to view Barack negatively (though, admittedly, this is fairly easy given most FOX viewers party affiliations).


In addition, he has several high level multi-classed fighter/CEO hirelings, particularly Jim Johnson, though it is unclear who is actually the hireling in this relationship.
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John McCain, Level 14 fighter, split-classed to a Level 3 politician
Strength: 6
Intelligence: 11
Wisdom: 11
Dexterity: 6
Constitution: 0
Charisma: 12 (6 with Democrats, 6 with Republicans, the 12 applies only to those with no party affiliation)
Comeliness: 9
Hit Points: 6

After a long career as a fighter, as well as a number of crippling injuries, John McCain attempted to split-class into a career politician. While he has remained a politician for many years, he has been unable to gain much experience due to pandering to the media, and attempts to placate both sides, as well as receiving significant experience penalties for his repeated switching of alignment from Chaotic Good Liberal to Lawful Evil Conservative. He has recently switched to True Neutral Moderate, though one can never tell how long he may maintain one alignment. Many have theorized that he must have had a Change Alignment curse at some point that is still in effect. As a result, his charisma is extremely low against people committed to any political alignment - they simply do not trust him.


As Politician is a sub-class of Thief, he does have all thief abilities, but he is not very good at any of them, with the exception of the Hide in Shadows ability, something he does with a 99% chance of success. He is so good, in fact, that he can give a speech under full glare of the media, complete with recording devices, and no one can really say that anything he did was memorable. In fact, they are hard pressed to remember anything about him, and forget it all unless they are constantly bombarded with recorded messages of him. He does have the Pickpocket ability, and though he is not particularly good at hiding its use, he has convinced himself of the necessity of picking the pockets of most Americans. He has also recently demonstrated the thief Backstabbing ability (ask Lieberman about the Palin vice presidential pick).


He is still technically in the Republican Thieves Guild (though many in that Guild steadfastly maintain that he should join the Democratic Thieves Guild instead). His preferred weapon is the garrote, which he repeatedly uses on himself - it no longer does damage to him, but it does cause his speech to be nearly inaudible and in large part unintelligible. He has no henchmen or hirelings, as none of them consider him a dependable enough individual to whom they could throw their allegiance.

His one special ability is that he can use, once per week, the 3rd Level clerical spell, Animate Dead. He typically uses this to lend a semblance of life to the Republican Party, and, though it seldom has a lasting effect, he continues to use this power regularly. He also labors under a curse, caused by his frequent collusions with Feingold and Kennedy. The effect of this curse is that whenever the collusions are brought up in conversation, the spell Transmute Rock to Mud is cast on his Conservative Base, causing it to erode rapidly.


Recently, he has been attempting to split-class again into the Druid class. This has been largely unsuccessful, because even though he steadfastly maintains belief in environmental causes, his former Lawful Evil Conservative alignment has prohibited him from becoming a Druid (we all know Druids are supposed to be True Neutral).


It is also believed that he has minor psionic ability; he has no offensive abilities, but has the defensive ability Mind Blank. He also has the minor ability Empathy, but seldom, if ever, uses it.




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Note that BOTH candidates receive a 0 for Constitution, because that is about how much respect and knowledge I believe that each of them actually have for the document (is that cynical enough for you, supergoober?). Right now, I am tired. I will probably ridicule the vice presidential candidates tomorrow.